Forever Dreamless

I see clearer now.  Looking back it’s true.

But the eyes are purple and the world is blue.

And I realise that in the end, I always knew.

I have always seen beneath the wrapping the real you.

Some days I think I am fine and some days I am sad.

Some days perhaps I am sane.  Some other days I am mad.

Sometimes I remembered I loved you and you were my world

Other days I don’t and watched our dreams unfurl.

Some days I am strong with empty faith and forlorn hope.

Some days I am broken and bleeding and living is beyond the scope.

Sometimes I remember what I once was, and how it could be.

And then I am sober again and it hurts when I know what would be.

I think the nights are too long and I cannot sleep for pain.

I think the days are too bright - I pray for rain again and again.

I want it to rain a thousand oceans and wash this world away.

I want it deluged in a thousand storms for I lack the tears to portray.

I cannot eat so I fast and I never want to break it.

I’ve walked this road before - so how again can I take it?

I wear that darkness like a shroud and the world is darker than grey.

I know the path, the cutting rocks and the hearts that bleed away.

I hold the shattered goblet with bitter tears to the brim.

I am small and apathetic and melancholic and the world is a whim;

Of heartless laughter and tormented souls and howling winds;

Of cutting words and shattered dreams and hungry fiends.

I don’t sing anymore.  And I’ll never draw your portrait again.

I don’t write songs and the words don’t rhyme like they should - just pain.

I don’t feel happy or sad.  I don’t laugh or cry with feeling.

Just numbness and more pain when I thought I shouldn’t be feeling.

Perhaps this time if I prayed, He would Listen and Grant me this:

A thousand cuts for every cut and yet your pain is not my bliss.

Perhaps I should ask for oblivion - the Angel of Death, I would kiss.

Perhaps I am standing on the ledge staring at nothing but the abyss.

The breathing a chore - I don’t want to wake up from the bed.

I just want to sleep forever - I crave the silence after all that’s said.

I just want to close my eyes and never see the sun again.

I want to dream forever dreamless and never know this pain.

Terence Nunis